I woulda... But No.

Dear... You.

You're pretty cool for a fourteen year old, you know? And I would have said yes, but then I realised that I was only your second choice, and as much as I hate to sound conceited.. I'm worth more than that. If I'm going to get with someone that much younger than me, it's not going to be because I'm the best you can get at the moment.
I want to be made to feel special, same as any girl, so forgive me if I decide that I want more than somebody else's cast offs.

I know I could only be with you until She got here anyway. *Sighs* It's not worth it, you know?

Sincerely... Me.

Theologi-cool.

Yeah, those of you who know me IRL might just laugh at that title, but for the rest of you... it's a long story.

Anyway, our youth group met at the town swimming pool/rec center thing tonight, and I was bored. Like, really bored. Sitting in the spa, just chilling because the only person there that I wanted to talk to really was talking to her boyfriend. (A nice guy, but I'm not sure that he really understands his title.) Anyway, I was sitting there watching everyone mucking around, and this guy comes up to me, one of the leaders. We'd chatted before, and he'd asked if I was a christian etc, you know, the usual youth group leader stuff... so this time he comes up and says:

"Oh, you have no-one to talk to? Let's talk about Jesus, I like Jesus." It's an odd way to start a conversation, but blunt, I appreciated that, but replied as I often do, with half-sarcasm.
"Yep, he's a pretty cool guy eh."

The conversation went easy from there. He quizzed me about what I knew about Jesus. (basically just stories, I'm a Sunday school teacher, not a theologian) And corrected me when I proved my ignorance. And anyway, we started talking about Eden, and the trees. He was saying that there were two trees in the garden of Eden, The tree of Life, and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Anyway, we were talking for a good half hour, which was pretty awesome. But then we parted, because sitting in a spa for too long just drives you crazy with the heat.

Probably the only enjoyable part of my night was listening to what he had to say and learning it. The other hour and a half... fairly uninteresting.

That is all.

Note to Self.

I do a lot of this I guess. It's all mental, trying to get myself to remember hings that I should already know. I do it to help me remember due homework, important dates, everything like that. But my mind is a messy place. Mayhap I could organise it, like Daine had to in The Immortals quartet.. but that takes time, and effort, and if I do it by the book, meditation. I don't think I could concentrate long enough for that, so instead I have a diary, and a blackboard above my bed to remind me of everything I need to do. "Pay for Ball Tickets" is right above "Chemistry practice - due wed." In my messy scrawl.

I love blackboards, and chalk. They're just so much easier than electronic reminders, and such an awesome reminder of simpler times. Oh, that reminds me... I really need to clean my room today, and do that chemistry homework.. And english too now! Maybe I should give my laptop to my brother this afternoon so that I don't get distracted by my Sims family. Yeah, it's a silly addiction, but so much fun.

I bought that latest expansion pack in the weekend, Generations. The body hair option is beyond weird and creepy (and the imaginary friends are even creepier) but I love all the new items and emotions and things, especially the teen and child stuff. Oooh, it's so much more exciting than it should be.

Anyway, right now I'm in my Art History class, unable to log into the correspondence school website because I forgot my login number and the person who might have it isn't here, so I decided to see if the school computers allowed blogging. Apparently they do, though I wonder how long that's going to last now that I'm using it in class. I kinda wish I could do my Art History standard though, as much as I hate the theory. The culture is so much more interesting. Maybe I should have taken classics? Oh, who knows.. I might have been fed up with that too.

Ah well, Time to sign off I think. See ya.

Single... Again.

There's something satisfying about being able to hang out with your best friend without anyone getting jealous, that's for sure. For a while there I would worry about who I sat with or talked to, and worried when I texted someone else "too much". That's a weight off my shoulders. But at the same time, it's weird to think that once again I'm single, and once again there's an expectation that I'll date the guy I hang out with most. Except that... oh yeah! He's gay. That's almost a relief. It'll certainly stop any rumours.

I wonder what's going to happen next...
Maybe I should just focus on school for a while.
Cara.

Dear...

Dear Girl who sits behind me in class.

You know who you are, hell, you probably know better than I do, but from where I sit, you seem like a bitch. Yeah, I said it. You're a bitch. You know how you got onto your boyfriend's facbook and managed his friends? That's a bitchy thing to do. It says "I'm in charge and you can only talk to who I say you can." You know your boyfriend's mate? The one who sits next to you? Yeah, you flirt with him too much. In front of your boyfriend. I'm sorry if I come off as nosy, but there are limits to how much idiocracy I can stand.

And do you know what's the worst thing about you? When he sticks up for himself, you play the victim. Arg! I really don't understand you.

Sincerely - the nerd who sits in front of you.

Relationship Status - It's Complicated

Boy oh boy oh boy, I hate using this function on facebook.

Relationship statuses are silly anyway. I mean, I know who I'm dating, my friends know who I'm dating, everyone who matters to me knows who I'm dating. Right? So why do I have to click a button that just gets a whole bunch of people who don't really care asking "What's wrong?" Or "What happened?"

Facebook is silly. Or maybe I just don't care for gossip once I get home from school? No, that's bull... I love gossip. Maybe I just don't like fake people, and people are never real on facebook. It's all summed up in the name. FACEbook. It's where you put on a face for the people who only half know you. "Omg, we HAVE to catch up!" And then never make plans, because it was all an act anyway.

But why is my relationship status "complicated" anyway? Well...
Remember my boyfriend? The sweet one? Yeah, well it turns out that as sweet as he is, we aren't all that comfortable around each other. I can't have a real conversation around him because he's just too serious about everything. He seems to think that when I say casual conversation I really mean that I have trust issues and I can't let him into my true feelings. Hello! I post my feelings on the internet, the small drop in the ocean that they are. So, we're on a break, learning to be friends properly before we try and date again.

I'm not optimistic about our chances of getting back together after our "break" but at least I'm letting him down gently. Right?

Ah, the ramblings of a teenager. - Stupidity.
Cara... xox

Planning.

It's always something that I've never done. Does that make sense? I don't study for exams, I don't think before I act, and basically... it's biting me on the bum at the moment. I go away to university next year, and I have no money because I didn't think about getting a job years ago. I have no plan for what I really want to study because I just took the easy classes, and I'm barely passing them because I never have the foresight to do my homework, let alone study for the important exams.

But cruising isn't exactly good for me. I mean, you can cruise in year nine and ten, when you can't get credits toward uni... but by the time you're a year thirteen, you really should have pulled your head in and started studying properly. Right? But nooo, it was easier to cruise. And now I'm paying, and panicking. What do I do next year? Yeah, this is bad.

I should knuckle down. New week's resolution? I wonder how long it'll last?


See ya. Cara.

A Rainbow Cross

So I can't remember if I've mentioned this before or not, but I teach sunday school. And this week we were doing printing, with crayons and an iron. My design was a cross with all the colours of the rainbow.

Red

Orange

Yellow

Green

Blue

Indigo

Violet

All of them. In a pattern. It looks kinda awesome, but it's munted. The colours have bled into the fabric around it, especially the red... kinda a halo around the top and side. And the indigo is more blue than purple. But it's pretty anyway. It kinda reminds me of me. There's the obvious bit - I'm a bisexual christian. A rainbow cross. But bits of me don't work all that well. My mind isn't exactly normal. My feet and ankles are bunged. But I'm still pretty awesome, and unique. So maybe it's worth being weird for the sake of being me. 

Oh well... I'm out of things to say for now.

Cara.