I woulda... But No.

Dear... You.

You're pretty cool for a fourteen year old, you know? And I would have said yes, but then I realised that I was only your second choice, and as much as I hate to sound conceited.. I'm worth more than that. If I'm going to get with someone that much younger than me, it's not going to be because I'm the best you can get at the moment.
I want to be made to feel special, same as any girl, so forgive me if I decide that I want more than somebody else's cast offs.

I know I could only be with you until She got here anyway. *Sighs* It's not worth it, you know?

Sincerely... Me.

Theologi-cool.

Yeah, those of you who know me IRL might just laugh at that title, but for the rest of you... it's a long story.

Anyway, our youth group met at the town swimming pool/rec center thing tonight, and I was bored. Like, really bored. Sitting in the spa, just chilling because the only person there that I wanted to talk to really was talking to her boyfriend. (A nice guy, but I'm not sure that he really understands his title.) Anyway, I was sitting there watching everyone mucking around, and this guy comes up to me, one of the leaders. We'd chatted before, and he'd asked if I was a christian etc, you know, the usual youth group leader stuff... so this time he comes up and says:

"Oh, you have no-one to talk to? Let's talk about Jesus, I like Jesus." It's an odd way to start a conversation, but blunt, I appreciated that, but replied as I often do, with half-sarcasm.
"Yep, he's a pretty cool guy eh."

The conversation went easy from there. He quizzed me about what I knew about Jesus. (basically just stories, I'm a Sunday school teacher, not a theologian) And corrected me when I proved my ignorance. And anyway, we started talking about Eden, and the trees. He was saying that there were two trees in the garden of Eden, The tree of Life, and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Anyway, we were talking for a good half hour, which was pretty awesome. But then we parted, because sitting in a spa for too long just drives you crazy with the heat.

Probably the only enjoyable part of my night was listening to what he had to say and learning it. The other hour and a half... fairly uninteresting.

That is all.

Note to Self.

I do a lot of this I guess. It's all mental, trying to get myself to remember hings that I should already know. I do it to help me remember due homework, important dates, everything like that. But my mind is a messy place. Mayhap I could organise it, like Daine had to in The Immortals quartet.. but that takes time, and effort, and if I do it by the book, meditation. I don't think I could concentrate long enough for that, so instead I have a diary, and a blackboard above my bed to remind me of everything I need to do. "Pay for Ball Tickets" is right above "Chemistry practice - due wed." In my messy scrawl.

I love blackboards, and chalk. They're just so much easier than electronic reminders, and such an awesome reminder of simpler times. Oh, that reminds me... I really need to clean my room today, and do that chemistry homework.. And english too now! Maybe I should give my laptop to my brother this afternoon so that I don't get distracted by my Sims family. Yeah, it's a silly addiction, but so much fun.

I bought that latest expansion pack in the weekend, Generations. The body hair option is beyond weird and creepy (and the imaginary friends are even creepier) but I love all the new items and emotions and things, especially the teen and child stuff. Oooh, it's so much more exciting than it should be.

Anyway, right now I'm in my Art History class, unable to log into the correspondence school website because I forgot my login number and the person who might have it isn't here, so I decided to see if the school computers allowed blogging. Apparently they do, though I wonder how long that's going to last now that I'm using it in class. I kinda wish I could do my Art History standard though, as much as I hate the theory. The culture is so much more interesting. Maybe I should have taken classics? Oh, who knows.. I might have been fed up with that too.

Ah well, Time to sign off I think. See ya.

Single... Again.

There's something satisfying about being able to hang out with your best friend without anyone getting jealous, that's for sure. For a while there I would worry about who I sat with or talked to, and worried when I texted someone else "too much". That's a weight off my shoulders. But at the same time, it's weird to think that once again I'm single, and once again there's an expectation that I'll date the guy I hang out with most. Except that... oh yeah! He's gay. That's almost a relief. It'll certainly stop any rumours.

I wonder what's going to happen next...
Maybe I should just focus on school for a while.
Cara.

Dear...

Dear Girl who sits behind me in class.

You know who you are, hell, you probably know better than I do, but from where I sit, you seem like a bitch. Yeah, I said it. You're a bitch. You know how you got onto your boyfriend's facbook and managed his friends? That's a bitchy thing to do. It says "I'm in charge and you can only talk to who I say you can." You know your boyfriend's mate? The one who sits next to you? Yeah, you flirt with him too much. In front of your boyfriend. I'm sorry if I come off as nosy, but there are limits to how much idiocracy I can stand.

And do you know what's the worst thing about you? When he sticks up for himself, you play the victim. Arg! I really don't understand you.

Sincerely - the nerd who sits in front of you.

Relationship Status - It's Complicated

Boy oh boy oh boy, I hate using this function on facebook.

Relationship statuses are silly anyway. I mean, I know who I'm dating, my friends know who I'm dating, everyone who matters to me knows who I'm dating. Right? So why do I have to click a button that just gets a whole bunch of people who don't really care asking "What's wrong?" Or "What happened?"

Facebook is silly. Or maybe I just don't care for gossip once I get home from school? No, that's bull... I love gossip. Maybe I just don't like fake people, and people are never real on facebook. It's all summed up in the name. FACEbook. It's where you put on a face for the people who only half know you. "Omg, we HAVE to catch up!" And then never make plans, because it was all an act anyway.

But why is my relationship status "complicated" anyway? Well...
Remember my boyfriend? The sweet one? Yeah, well it turns out that as sweet as he is, we aren't all that comfortable around each other. I can't have a real conversation around him because he's just too serious about everything. He seems to think that when I say casual conversation I really mean that I have trust issues and I can't let him into my true feelings. Hello! I post my feelings on the internet, the small drop in the ocean that they are. So, we're on a break, learning to be friends properly before we try and date again.

I'm not optimistic about our chances of getting back together after our "break" but at least I'm letting him down gently. Right?

Ah, the ramblings of a teenager. - Stupidity.
Cara... xox

Planning.

It's always something that I've never done. Does that make sense? I don't study for exams, I don't think before I act, and basically... it's biting me on the bum at the moment. I go away to university next year, and I have no money because I didn't think about getting a job years ago. I have no plan for what I really want to study because I just took the easy classes, and I'm barely passing them because I never have the foresight to do my homework, let alone study for the important exams.

But cruising isn't exactly good for me. I mean, you can cruise in year nine and ten, when you can't get credits toward uni... but by the time you're a year thirteen, you really should have pulled your head in and started studying properly. Right? But nooo, it was easier to cruise. And now I'm paying, and panicking. What do I do next year? Yeah, this is bad.

I should knuckle down. New week's resolution? I wonder how long it'll last?


See ya. Cara.

A Rainbow Cross

So I can't remember if I've mentioned this before or not, but I teach sunday school. And this week we were doing printing, with crayons and an iron. My design was a cross with all the colours of the rainbow.

Red

Orange

Yellow

Green

Blue

Indigo

Violet

All of them. In a pattern. It looks kinda awesome, but it's munted. The colours have bled into the fabric around it, especially the red... kinda a halo around the top and side. And the indigo is more blue than purple. But it's pretty anyway. It kinda reminds me of me. There's the obvious bit - I'm a bisexual christian. A rainbow cross. But bits of me don't work all that well. My mind isn't exactly normal. My feet and ankles are bunged. But I'm still pretty awesome, and unique. So maybe it's worth being weird for the sake of being me. 

Oh well... I'm out of things to say for now.

Cara.     

I Really Should Post More.

Blogging used to be so important to me. It was my one escape from everything, from everyday life. I miss it. But it's kind of been replaced, I tweet now, and spend too much time on avatar forum sites. I express myself 140 characters at a time, instead of a couple of hundred words. Is that so wrong? I think that it might be.

It's not me, you know. I spend more time dwelling, and less time living than I did when I used to post daily, putting my life on line. It was easier to live carelessly when all my worries were out there on the internet and not in my brain, cluttering up my mind.

I think it's time to go back to being open, putting everything online... but how? Should I continue to write it all down? Or should I just record it with my webcam? Become yet another youtuber ranting about what's going on in my life? On second thoughts, I have a face for radio. Blogging it is.

See you tomorrow.

Thank You!

Well, it's clear from today that I absolutely can't sort anything out for myself. Remember how I had know idea about whether or not I had a boyfriend yesterday because of Friday night? Yeah, well I wouldn't have known now either if I didn't have friends who poked their noses into my business.

I get to the youth service tonight and..
"Cara, I need to talk to you!"
"Uhhh, ok..."
"Are you two going out or what?"
"I... actually don't know."
"Fine!" She walked off then, and grabbed the boy I was confused about.

"Do you know?!"
"Know what?"
"If you two are together!"
"Uhh, no." He turns to me. "Are we?"
"I don't know."
"Neither. Do you want to?"
"I guess so." He turns away.
"We are."

I'm now dating a guy I've dated twice before. A guy who read the entire works of Shakespeare without getting bored. A guy who can turn a compliment almost as fast as he can spout a lolcat joke. This.. should be interesting.

What's Going On?

.... No, seriously. What the heck is happening? Do I have a boyfriend, or not? Goddamn why did I walk away before he could reply. Stupid Cara! *headdesk*

So we were talking, and he told me that he'd like to go out with me again, but it might not work because it hadn't before. So I told him what I'd been thinking, that I would give it another go if he was keen. But then, like a stupid person, I turned on the ball of my foot and walked in the other direction. I never found out if he actually wanted to or not.

Have I mentioned yet that I'm kinda stupid?

Fail.

I fail at working stuff out for myself, I truly do. I wish life were a rom-com, where I could see exactly how it's supposed to pan out. I wish I could fall for whoever I wanted, but because life is a movie, it'll work out, because love conquers all. Does it not?

Somehow I doubt it. In the background, the credits to "Letters to Juliet" play, and I mouth the words to the catchy song playing. You have to take pleasure in little things, like romantic comedies, and smile, because life can be alright if you just go with the flow. Oh if only. I do love me a corny movie, and I love knowing how the protagonist will fall for the risky one. The safe option is just that, a safe option, and there's no risk of being hurt from being madly in love, because (of course) the other person is madly in love too.

I think however, that the safe course is wiser for me. To have a broken heart is not what anybody particularly loves to experience, me included. So I think I'll take what I deem the emotionally safe route... Unfortunately, this route reminds me of the social suicide that it would have counted as a year or two ago. Ah! If only if only...

I wish life was a rom-com.

Serious? Wow...

A year ago, I would have scoffed if somebody had told me what happened tonight. Don't look at me like that! It's not that bad! It's just... weird. Tonight I had youth group, which is always fun, but tonight... tonight was confusing. I felt myself wanting to ask out a friend who I've been "casual" with lately. This is weird. I got casual with her, promising myself it would only be casual. But for some reason, I have real trouble living up to that.

On the other hand, she keeps asking me why I don't want to go back out with one of my exes. I've dated him twice before, in fact, he was my first kiss. The thing is though, both times we dated, it didn't exactly end well. Both of us have matured since we last dated, but it still feels weird, and part of me just doesn't want to have to explain why I'm dating him again. Most people still view him as immature, and childish, annoying, all that stuff. (I know I still do at times.) But I don't know yet if I'm only doubtful because of his social standing, or if it's actually because I don't like him.

Wow. Being sixteen sucks. Why so confusing!? WHY?

Ye Gods... Or Not?

A confusing title? Well, it was a confusing day. I woke up with a killer headache, and decided to go back to bed rather than face a day at school, being berated for not paying attention to my work, and focusing on hiding my grimaces of pain. I slept until about eleven, at which point I picked up the copy of the Philosopher's Stone that I started last night, and continued reading.

It wasn't long, however, before I got a little hungry. You know what they say, sick people need food! Or maybe they don't say that, but I desperately needed some marmite toast and some green tea. When my toast was cooked, and suitably delicious, I sat myself down at the computer for some nice, relaxing stumbling. As is habit, I logged into facebook, and upon seeing a relatively cool little repost that my friend was being harassed for, I stood up for her in comment on her page, before copy pasting the little message into my own status.

Well. That was only the beginning. The message was simple, and harmless.

Can anyone tell me why it is so hard for people to pray, but easy to swear? Why it is so hard to re-post a Christian status, but easy to post gossip? Why we can worship a celebrity, but not Jesus? Gonna ignore this? Most of you won't re-post this. The Lord said, "If you deny me in front of your friends, I will deny you...in front of my father." I posted. Will you?

Or so I thought. Apparently, however, it was grounds for people to openly thrash religion, the same as they had done on my friend's status. Most of it was crap, but it still got me thinking, something I do regularly. (Hence the blog) 

"Why do I believe?" 

It's kinda a good question, one I ask myself on a fairly regular basis. Most of the time I come to the same conclusion, and today was no different. My answer? It comforts me. 

To be honest, atheism has always seemed to me like that mean kid in the playground, you know, the one who goes around telling the younger ones that they were accidents and that their parents never wanted them. Or that bitchy friend in high school who tells you that true love doesn't exist. I like being a Christian, simple as that. I like being able to look up at the stars and think,
"Awesome balls of burning gas God. Made any new ones lately?"  Or to see a friend crying and be like,
"You know what, I love you almost as much as God." I don't do that to my non-Christian friends, simply because it weirds them out a bit. Kinda like...
"I'M BEING STALKED BY AN INVISIBLE MAN IN THE SKY!" But my Christian friends always appreciate it.

Its also kinda comforting to think that, Hey, somebody does give a crap whether I feel scared or not. Just believing in God after a nightmare can be like shoving your head under the blankets when you think the bogey man is after you.

So maybe I'm ignorant, and buying into a load of crap spouted by the church, or maybe I've been brainwashed into believing that God is real. But hey, whatever makes me happy, right?

I think I'm going to go watch some X-Men to take my mind off the subject for a while.

Thank God I don't have Religious Education till Friday.

See ya!

Oh Dog!

Yeah, that's right. I've suddenly developed dyslexia.. Or so it seems, but that's not really the point. I thought that maybe, instead of blathering on about how different I am, today I'll tell you about my weekend.

Saturday was uneventful enough, in fact, I'm pretty sure I spent the entire day clicking the button that says "next blog" and complaining about mommy bloggers. (Seriously, what's with that?)

But Sunday... now Sunday was interesting. First, I made my CV... yeah! Ninja job getting skills, that I don't really have... And then I decided to go for a bike ride before meeting some friends at the beach for our "youth service" hangout. You know what that meant? SUBWAY DINNER! Yeah! Have I mentioned previously that I love subway? It's so delicious! So I rock on in, and get my usual.. at least for starters. That means a six inch on roasted garlic, veggie delite, smoked cheese, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, capsicum, red onion and carrot. Only... They were out of mayo! I know, shock horror, right! So anyway, I settled for honey mustard, got me some salt and pepper, and then biked across town to the park to eat it. (Also my free double chocolate cookie!) While I'm eating my sub of deliciousness, a girl I knew from art last year came and talked to me.

"My friend's getting married" She said, and I smiled and nodded even though I had no idea who this person was, but then she said something that blew my mind.
"Yeah," She says. "They've been dating for three weeks." THREE WEEKS! How on earth do you make  the commitment of who you're going to live with for the rest of your life after three weeks? God-damn, that's almost as bad as twilight! (Except nobody is sparkling, so that's a bonus.) I simply couldn't understand it.

So then, once I got over my initial shock, I picked up my rubbish like the tidy kiwi I am and got back on my bike. Pedalling away from craziness, I headed to the beach, where I waited for about half an hour for anyone to show. (thank you doodle jump for passing the time.) The rest of the night was pretty much same same, except would you know it, kissing a smoker isn't as bad as all that.

Toodle-pip anyway.

Now That You Know

Now that you know a little bit about me, I kinda want to show you how I see the world. It's going to be weird, and maybe a little scary, but I want to know if I'm different, or just another person who sees themselves as different. Does the world actually work like this comic I found?

Or are some people really as shallow as they appear? Are there really people who don't think at all before they speak? Do people actually act without thinking of consequences? As I grew up, I kinda saw the people around me as if they were NPCs in a video game. They had personalities, and feelings, but were designed to help or hinder me. As far as I was concerned, I was the most important being in the world. But I've grown up a bit now... I see people less as things to be manipulated, and more as well... people.

But does everyone go through this? Or am I really just weird? There's something to be said for blogs, they help you to see the world through other people's eyes. But how willing are we to do that, really? Is the world scarier when it's being viewed by somebody else? Does somebody else's perspective put our own to shame?

I ask a lot of questions, in fact, my mum once told me that God would need two eternities to answer them all, but I think that my questions are important. How else am I supposed to find out right from wrong if I never question what other people call right? How can I make a decision without seeing all twelve sides to the story? We all see the world differently, so I like to ask other people.

How do you see the world?
Honestly?

More on well... me.

Because that's what a blog is, isn't it? A place to say "look at me! see my life, and laugh at my stupidity!" So come,one and all, and see my life. Laugh at my stupidity!

I am 16 years old and female. This has several effects on my life. One is that I can't make up my mind,  due to constant mood swings and emotional imbalances. Two is that I'm the youngest person in my senior class at school, making me slightly outcasted, though the fact I don't drink probably has more to do with that. Damn NZ binge drinking culture. You disagree with my social life!

I'm a bisexual. That doesn't mean that I'm the girl that hooks up with other girls to gain guys' attention... nope, it means that I'm just as likely to fall into sickly sweet teenage  love with a girl, as with guy. Not fun. Seriously, girls are beautiful, and charming, and all that jazz... but they can break your heart as easily as any guy. (And without the excuse of being a typical teenage dirtbag that guys have.)

What else? Oh, I love stories. Graphic novels, picture books, movies, TV, video games, if it has a plot, I like it. That means a couple of things. a) that if I'm not reading, I'm writing, or watching a movie. And b) that I love hearing both sides of everything. That means gossip, it means arguments, dating.

I like people too. Talking to them, finding out about them, and for the most part, they like me. That means that people have an odd tendency to open up to me, and I love it,  unless I get so bogged down by their lives that I lose track of mine. Blogging helps with that, it helps me to distinguish my story from all the others that I hear, or know of.

Anyway, that's a little more on me.
Toodle-pip

Mum.

So everybody has one. (Unless you're a test tube baby, of course.) And I'm pretty sure everyone has had a little trouble with theirs at one time or another. Maybe she didn't let you go to that party you were desperate to attend, or wouldn't help you pay for a movie.

My personal favourite however, is the psychological effects that a mother's words can have. For instance...
"Take that top off- it clings to your rolls."
Thanks for the amazing confidence boost mum! I really appreciate being told I look fat in everything I wear. I mean, I'm beginning to get a bit of confidence in myself, especially recently, and then in three seconds, mum manages to pull that down just long enough to make me doubt every outfit I've worn in the last month.

Wow, I'm being bitchy today. So let's just leave it at that before I get any worse.
Toodle-pip.

So, Me.

Hi!

Let's get some stuff straight. First things first, my name is Cara Blair, see, up there in my url.... Second, I'm only a teenager, I know right, shock horror! I clarify this to let you know that what I say, what I believe at this moment, is probably likely to be proven wrong at least once in the rest of my life. So don't take me too seriously. Third; this really is basically a journal, a place for me to record my thoughts, feelings and opinions, and then, months into the future, look back over them and laugh.
"Wasn't I stupid then?" I'll ask myself, and not realise how stupid I still am.

So today I ate cake, as decreed by Marie Antoinette, I kissed a girl, as decreed by Katy Perry, and I lived my life, as decreed by me.
I picked up some books from a friend who is going on an exchange programme to Japan, which, coincidentally, is having some... environmental difficulties. Greeeaat. Because we New Zealanders haven't had enough of Earthquakes in the last few weeks, right?

Anyway... this is me for today.
Cara, over and out.